Words for the Internet

Sup fuckers?

It’s been quite the year, hasn’t it? 2012 ended with me fulfilling the Mayan prophecy and coming out of the closet, but it was 2013 that ended up being the most profoundly transformative year of my life. One of my goals for the last year was to start blogging again, but that never came to fruition, mostly because I couldn’t find a structure to blog around. Blogging about myself just felt entirely too self-indulgent.

Then I realized I’m like one of the most self-indulgent people I know, so look at this, I’m typing in a blog now!

Some of you may remember my old blog, the award-winning — no, literally, I’m not just being an asshat — The Cycling Dutchman, where I chronicled by travels through the Netherlands (thecyclingdutchman.tumblr.com). This new blog will be nothing like that. Mostly because I don’t have time to gallivant around fairytale cities on my green bike and discover hidden food movements and have prostitutes meow at me and meet my personal literary heroes in a bunker underneath a bridge on the Singel canal.

I have a full time job. I spend most of my time indoors. So I have no idea what this is going to be. Much like the rest of my life, starting from this point. Hey, wouldya look at that? THEMES. My blog already has themes. Wow, this is really shaping up.

So, to overcome my anxieties surrounding this completely self-indulgent venture, I’ve decided compile a list of


1. DOWNLOADED AN APP FOR “CASUAL GAMING”. This game requires absolutely no skills. I click on a dinosaur once every few hours and it gives me fake money and I derive satisfaction from that. It’s TERRIFYING. I swear I’m going to delete it soon. Right after I level up my Anklyosaur again.

2. TOOK A SELFIE. But only after cleverly engineering a reason to take that selfie. I still haven’t been able to work up the courage to take a selfie for just no reason. That’s some 2015 shit.

3. WATCHED THREE SEASONS OF THE SECRET DIARY OF A CALL GIRL. Why?! Why did I spend so many hours of 2013 following the misadventures of the lady “Belle du Jour” (gag).  Coming off a split between Rose Tyler and the Doctor (as in a split between parallel universes), I guess I was just looking to get my Billie Piper fix somewhere else. But three seasons?! I still haven’t started The Wire. I still haven’t gotten around to watching the final season of Breaking Bad. But I did watch for three fucking seasons of this mindless swill. I just don’t know why I stuck around for so long.




5. READ LIKE 100 FUCKING LISTICLES. I don’t know why. I never sought them out. They just found their way to me. And I read them ALL. The clincher was that there was no reason for me to read them all because they were basically all the same. They all had that one gif of Kristen Wiig from Bridesmaids in it. They all left me feeling empty and unsatisfied. And it was ALL MY FAULT. 2014, NO MORE.

6. MADE SOMETHING ABOUT ME THAT WASN’T ABOUT ME. Ohhhh shit, y’all. I just dropped a truth bomb right in the middle of this fucking list and there’s nothing you can do about it. Sit right here for a minute and reflect on this shit with me for a bit. Let’s grow as people together. Damn, that was nice. I feel better. Okay, moving on.

7. SPENT ALL DAY IN BED. No, I didn’t go outside today. But I DID set up a function for my phone to text me the weather every morning. So I know what it’s like out there.

8. ONLINE SHOPPING. Did you know you can buy anything online? I did not. UNTIL 2013. Then my life changed. I should also clarify that this is not a list of things I plan on giving up for 2014 because I just bought the cutest sweater yesterday on asos like heeeeyyyy

9. ORDERED TAKEOUT WHEN I HAD PERFECTLY GOOD FOOD IN THE KITCHEN. Some days I just don’t want to roast a squash. Some days I want someone to make me a curry and then deliver it right to my face and then have to watch me paw through my wallet for cash while I stand in my foyer in no shoes and that gigantic tshirt I got in Lake Tahoe 8 years ago with the massive hole in the arm pit. Some days are most days.

10. WATCHED INNUMERABLE BAD ROMANTIC COMEDIES. Now that I think about it, I’ve actually watched an inexcusable amount of romantic comedies for someone of my age and discriminating taste. I can’t help it, though. I’m just drawn to them. I love to criticize them, perhaps in an “oh, that would never, ever happen!” sort of way, mostly to excuse myself from the lingering fear that I’m going to end up as a 30-something editor at an advertising agency that looks over slides for “that shoot” with her cowokers and laments the dating scene “in the big city” while my sassy confidante tells me that I’ll “never find love because I’m married to my job”.  What was I saying about watching a lot of romcoms?

I watched this in 2013 and now my Netflix likes to taunt me by insisting I like “wedding movies”.

Well, good, I feel better. Do you? I don’t really care. This is my blog, after all. Now get out.


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